In Self-Defense

So, my son posted the following on his own blog this morning.  You should probably take a couple of minutes to read it before we go any further.

http://matthewspearson.wordpress.com/2013/01/31/gettin-all-up-in-their-bness/

He dared suggest that I did an abundance of questioning during his (and his sisters') teenage years.  Those of you who know me best can probably give your own testimonials about being put on the witness stand by the Queen of Questions.  And all the while, I just thought I was being politely interested and curious.  :)  I STILL feel that way.  Why share space with another human being without learning something about what makes them tick?

First, I'll have to say that if I am the Queen of Questions, then my dear mother was most certainly The Queen Mother of Questions.  Long before there were mute or pause buttons on TV remotes, she was well-known to be her most talkative and inquisitive when the rest of the family was glued to the set watching a program (also before the days of the DVR).  It was said of her that she could "carry on a conversation with a signpost."  And those descriptive words were said in the most affectionate way possible.  My Mom was friendly . . and she was curious . . . she was a verbal communicator . . .and she loved people.  One of her favorite social activities was going to the grocery store because she HOPED she would run into a friend or acquaintance and get caught up on their news.  So, my first line of defense is that it was modeled for me from birth, and I am genetically-predisposed to be this way.

Secondly, I was given permission to be this way by a person I trusted thoroughly when my children were growing up -- their pediatrician, Dr. William Walker in Decatur, AL.  Oh my!  What a wonderful doctor.  Such a wise man.  Every family should have someone like Dr. Walker.  I can't count the number of times he looked over his glasses at me to "tell it to me straight" when he thought I needed to adjust something in the way I was handling the upbringing of my children.  I usually made it to the car before I dissolved into tears, but I took his advice to heart, and everything he said proved to be correct.  Ultimately, we all benefited from his knowledge and frankness.  Once, when I had firstborn Laura in his office for her yearly check-up, she stepped out for a couple of minutes to be weighed, measured and probably given her hated inoculations.  I mentioned to Dr. Walker that Laura was very quiet.  She would come in from school in the afternoons, go up to her room, and we wouldn't hear a peep out of her until suppertime.  I remember saying, "Is that all right?  Should I leave her alone like that?"  His response -- looking directly at me, once again over his glasses -- "Do whatever you have to do to stay in her world."  Now, I admit that I had to think about that for awhile.  At that point in Laura's life, she didn't WANT me to "stay in her world."  She wanted to be left alone, but in my heart, I knew it wasn't best for her to internalize so much without learning to share her concerns and problems.  I started by going upstairs, knocking on her door, and going in to sit on her bed with her for a few minutes in the afternoons just skimming the surface of events from that day.  She didn't always act like she enjoyed my little visits, but deep down I think the few minutes of individual attention started to grow on her.  She was never a behavior problem in school, and her grades were always at the top.  It was more a matter of what was in her heart.  With Dr. Walker's urging coupled with my already-curious nature, I felt like I had my marching orders to plunge ahead.  My other two children were easier and more talkative than Laura, but they each posed their own challenges in terms of getting inside their heads.  I really had to become a student of my children.

In Matt's blog post, he spends a good bit of time talking about the internet as both a threat and an information-gathering device.  When my children were teens, our "NET" consisted of the network of parents we had with our children's friends -- at school, at church, on sports teams.  It was critical for me to know who my children's friends "belonged to."  In other words, who was their Momma?  Who was their Daddy?  Where did they go to church?  Where did they work?  What kind of lifestyle did they live?  I REALLY wanted to know a lot before my children were allowed to spend significant time in their homes.  I had the very good fortune to get a job teaching chorus at Hartselle Junior High the very year that my oldest child entered Junior High.  I was there for all but the last year that Pearson kids were in that school.  What a great resource that was as a parent.  I could observe all of their friends, their behaviors, and their reputations.  I could chaperone school events, and I got to know parents that weren't in our same church or neighborhood.  I realize that not everyone gets to have such a Front Row Seat, but I have seen numerous parents who have become valuable volunteers at the schools where I've worked or they have even been substitute teachers.  That has given them the same kind of "eyes and ears" regarding their children and the friends they were choosing.

In addition to my genetic make-up and Dr. Walker's permission, I felt that I also had a "word from The Word" regarding the importance of finding out what was in the heart of my children.  Proverbs 20:5 says, "A plan in the heart of a man is like deep water, but a man of understanding draws it out."  I wanted to be a woman of understanding.  Maybe I should have been a psychiatrist or a counselor, but instead I was a Momma (and wife and friend and teacher) who wanted to understand.  I sincerely hope that somewhere along the line while asking all of these hundreds, even thousands, of questions, that just maybe I have also become a discerning listener.  After all, why ask a question if you're not going to be still long enough to hear the answer?  Right?

Parents, Matt raises some very good points about knowing all you can possibly know about what your child is learning/viewing/typing/sharing/texting on the internet or with cellphones.  I agree with him.  Our children are our responsibilities and our great gifts from God.  If it's THEIR business, then it's certainly OUR business.  They will be adults soon enough.  The curiosity, love and interest can remain, but at that point there really is a lot that is JUST their business.  Until then, I'll say to you what Dr. Walker said to me:  Do whatever you have to do to stay in your child's world. 

I'd love to hear from some of you parents about how you managed to stay connected to your children while they were living in your home.  What worked?  What didn't work?  What do you wish you had done differently?  And parents who right this minute have children living at home with cellphones and internet access, how are you managing this monster in your midst?  Please share your wisdom.